Stereotypes and judgment about being a stay-at-home parent (homemaker?, full-time parent?) are alive and well. Most men don’t experience them though because we don’t usually take on the role. It’s only by truly being the role that I have had the privilege of experiencing how many people perceive what it means to be a full-time caregiver to children.
A week ago I left a fairly senior job with a gigantic multinational brand. Now I am full-time responsible for two young sons and organizing my family’s move to a new continent. Even though in many cases I think the disrespect shown to my new role has been humorous and good-natured, there’s still a small sting. The good-natured teasing I have experienced has been in the vein of everything from “What will you do with all your spare time?” to “You’re so lucky to spend all that time with your boys - sure beats working!” to the weirdly most-offensive “Enjoy your two years of vacation.” Seriously?
Again, other than the twit - a man, obviously - who blurted out that last one, almost everybody who has made a jokey comment about me being a stay-at-homer was truly joking and I know that people tease me because I’m a teaser myself. Being on the receiving end has just been a bit tiresome.
It's not even that being a stay-at-home Dad has these connotations of hilarious and adorable incompetence. Check out this adorbs movie poster.
Our family has it really easy in that we’re middle-class, educated, white-ish and materially comfortable. For us, having just one partner working is a wonderful life choice but the goofy comments have just been slightly wearing.
The big takeaway is that they have really forced me to think about how society views traditionally female roles. (Maybe I am being sexist by saying this. It turns out that I am, based on this Post article!). I realized, perhaps belatedly, that you can’t really feel true understanding for somebody’s feelings about how society views them unless you have walked in their shoes.
The obvious corollary for the male of the species is that we also can’t really understand the sexual pressure and abuse women are subjected to since we almost never experience it. Honestly, it had sometimes crossed my mind to wonder why women don’t deal with sexual abuse by
a) just getting over it
b) just ignoring it
c) even feeling flattered by it
d) just avoiding difficult situations
Clearly all completely inappropriate responses but I am quite sure I am not alone in experiencing them. Intellectually I understand that these are d-bag thoughts. Maybe though there is some evolutionary reason for men to be slightly less empathetic but there’s still no excuse for d-bag thoughts.
Of course, the inability to feel something truly unless you have actually experienced it also applied to racism, prejudice based on social class, disability, mental health. Since a practical solution is not to actively try to experience these various types of abuse, what can we do? I’m not sure - listen? engage?
Regardless of how we respond, there is probably room in all of our lives for a little more empathy before we judge others’ feelings. After all, they are not ours to judge.
